18 Apr

“Where there is no vision, the people perish.” — Proverbs 29:18

I spent a great amount of time in the darkness, without a vision for my life. I am a passionate person who prefers the background and sidelines to the messy front and center. I have a great deal of difficulty channeling my passion into meaningful things and even more difficulty translating my passion into anything that other people can truly understand. For most of my life, I’ve struggled to form, build and maintain relationships. I am socially awkward, a total misfit, and I make no apologies for any of my shortcomings.

I am rough around the edges. What else would you expect of someone who was brought up by truckers, bikers and ex hippies in the middle of the forest? I’ve always been slightly feral, unrestrained, untamed, and strangely untouched by social convention. Those things never bothered me, although as I’ve gotten older and spent more time in the “civilized” world of suburbia, I’ve started to see the reasons why things are the way they are.

Knowing why never answered the greater questions though. Life, for the most part, is quite empty for many people. Work, sex, money, technology, taxes, and that about wraps it up. Pleasure and power. The freedom to choose your preferred brand of wage slavery. The joy of it all reduced to a few boxes on a few forms that you send in at the end of the year.

The greater vision of it all has been lost. Some people have found it. Others are not so lucky. About a month ago, I decided that I couldn’t keep doing what I had been doing. Which was pretty much nothing, I admit. So I decided that I needed to do something. But what? What should I do? What could I do? Why should I do it? Would I even be willing to do anything?

Ah, there’s the real question, the real precursor to living a visionary life. Am I willing? Are you willing? Willing to do what? Something! Anything! Willing to change, willing to be changed, willing to live instead of just living, willing to think new thoughts, believe new beliefs, see new sights, rise to new occasions. Are we willing to be afraid? To really and truly feel fear, not just that mild tremble we feel in the dark, but that mind-numbing, pants-crapping sort of fear that removes us from everything we thought we knew and kicks us firmly out of the door we’ve spent most of our lives knocking on? Are we ready for that? Are we willing to do those things?

Despite the fear, despite the logic, despite the doubt, despite the criticism and the consequences? Really, for real, are we gonna do it, whatever “it” is? Or are we going to sit on the couch and watch Golden Girls re-runs? Maybe we’ll get up and think about doing it, taking that leap, risking it all, going off the deep end….but in the end, will you take the first step and the step after that and the other 999,998 steps until you get to your goal? Or will you find yourself hunched over a keyboard, hammering out that last report, that last proof, that last budget, back up against the wall to a vicious deadline? Will you continue to flip your Xbox, night after night and go to sleep when everyone else wakes up instead of leaving it all behind?

There is truth to be told. There are lessons to be learned. But most of us don’t want truth. Most of us hated school and therefore, we hate learning. So who cares about lessons? Who cares about the truth? Why have a vision when you can watch 1001 different visions on your television? If your bills are paid (or not), if you have a place to live (or not), if you have someone who loves you (or not)…none of that really matters anyway. You can buy tickets to an Alicia Keys concert and you won’t be boring any more. Problem solved.

The truth is, that guy wasn’t boring because he didn’t attend enough concerts or spend enough money. He was boring because he probably never did anything worthwhile. His girlfriend dumped him because she wanted to go places and do things. She was probably tired of sitting around watching him stare into his laptop and moan about he’s broke, doesn’t have any friends, his fantasy football team is going to hell in a handbasket, etc. She herself probably wasn’t that interesting to begin with. If you’re breaking up with someone because they’re boring, then you should probably take a good look in the mirror because chances are you’re boring too.

Relationships and life itself are more than entertainment. They are supposed to have meaning. The relationship itself might be interesting. Or it might not. Unless your “life” is a scripting event on reality tv, then it probably isn’t going to be fun, exciting, and entertaining at all times. There’s a lot of really hard and ugly (pardon my French here) shit in this world. Some of it really freakin’ sucks and some of it can be really freakin’ boring. Toughen up. If you want excitement, go look for it. Don’t sit across from your SO and break up with him because he’s boring. (Unless you’re the Dos Equis guy. Then maybe you can get away with such exploits.)

I’ve raged long enough about a commercial that most people have probably forgotten. I do know what I’m talking about though. I watched a good portion of my life float by me in a haze. I was afraid to take those first steps, or any steps at all. Change is hard, it sucks, but going back to the person who abused you is not always an option. Even if that person is you. For years, I lived a life without restraint. Food was my drug and it consumed me every bit as much as I consumed it. I was fat, everyone around me was fat (or struggling with health issues related to food) and I refused to acknowledge the problem. I attempted a juice fast and damn near killed myself. I gave up and really didn’t care if I lived or died.

I quit writing on this blog because I lacked the vision. I wanted to change minds, but it seems as if no one’s mind really wanted to be changed. No, people are content in their boxes, watching Harlem Shake videos and listening to Top 40 music while glancing into their cellphones periodically and jerking off to half-naked celebrities at night. Who cares about God? Who wants to live a Godly lifestyle? Besides, the world finds Christianity backwards and decidedly unglamorous. I thought that once too.

It’s easier to live life like a country song, takin’ it easy, drinkin’ a little drink, smokin’ a little smoke, makin’ out by those KC lights, and waitin’ for some good lookin’ member of the opposite sex to set you on the right path. Then maybe you’ll go to church on Sundays, drop a $20 in the donation box and stop taking the Lord’s name in vain. None of that means a damn thing though. They are hollow euphemisms for a simple life lived without reservation. That’s all they are. What chances are you taking, what worthwhile experiences are you having by following their advice? None, in my opinion.

Have a forward facing vision, people. Look at the life in front of you. Go out and live. Make changes, not excuses. Don’t be bored.

That’s all for today.


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